Got my licence back today !!

          At last the official document got stamped and it read licence valid till 30.04.2013. That's it folks ! I am back making a full circle in 11 months. Its is exactly 8 months from my last chemo ie on the 12th March 2012. In reflection it seems like a short journey. So sometimes I reflect back and ponder where I made the right moves and  how this can help others.
          Firstly the awareness of my physical self was paramount in detecting something is not right. Not wasting any time in dwelling that this could be something insignificant and dilly dally or perhaps not facing the reality and rather staying in denial mode. I faced it square on the jaw and the speed that it took from detection to treatment was only 5 days. This confounds me sometimes - the light speed. I guess I had good advice from my brother Dr Azeem and Dr Kat. The other was the positive attitude I adopted. On the first day of chemo I took the camera and recorded the event, just like a tourist taking pictures at a new destination. It was in many ways exciting that I was going thro chemo and radiation. Well this was the mental preparation that I did to face the adversity...... treating it like a tourist visiting the "hospital" for the first time and getting excited and recording the events.. Another factor was the faith I had, that I will make it at the end. Luck was also on my side I guess as the staging was only 2 and the nodes were not affected. The rest was great family support and good friends who cared.

 

At the simulator after finishing my training.

        So what message do I have for anyone reading this blog and making the same journey as I. "NEVER GIVE UP HOPE...NEVER". Post treatment, keep yourself busy physically and mentally. I did gym & swimming every day from 9 am till 1 pm for 5 days a week for 6 weeks until the London Olympic 2012 came round and upset the routine. Mentally, I worked on preparing a CRM manual and developing training courses. So any thing to keep you busy is great advice. An idle mind is the devil's playground...so is the saying. One can so easily dwell in negative thinking and believe me, it doesn't take much effort. Play golf every day, yes every day !! Thank the Almighty for his mercy on me and giving me the courage to fight this dreaded stuff. Thank you all for reading and following me so far. Till another update, bye for now...Love to all  Shakil

My Medical...at Last

            This has been the day that I have dreamed of. The day I will regain my lost medical licence. 10 months has since passed and my word, how fast it has been. Its was as if just the other day that I was visiting the hospital's radiation therapy, for daily dose of radiation and now I am in a hurried haste to get prepared for flying duties.

Wing to fly

          Last week I was in Sydney to attend Christine's nieces' wedding and to relax and put in some rounds of golf. It was also some time to catch up with really old friends in Sydney ( I had studied there some years back...1969 to be exact ). When I landed at the KLIA and switched on my phone, the usual blasts of SMS poured in from Maxis. As I was walking towards the immigration, one SMS stood out. Its was from Dr Jagdev, the head of the DCA medical board. I scrolled down to the messages and selected to read. The message was short sweet and to the point " DCA Medical Board today revalidated your license. Jagdev" Wow ! What a day to behold ! Yippee !!. At last, the wait was over and I have been through the full circle. I am back to where I started 10 months ago. Now the real hill climb begins as I begin preparing for my simulator checks, practical handling of the aircraft and actual line flying. Just like a bicycle or windsurfer, once you have the flying skills it remains with you for a lifetime, albeit a bit rusty, thats all.

Me and Chooi

           I took my uniform out of the wardrobe and looked at it again. Mmm..the shirt looks oversized and the pants look too wide. I don't think I can keep the pants on the hips, they just slip down all the way to the ankles. Wow! I do have a problem. My waist size is reduced from  38+ in to a 34+ in. So hurriedly, I took the pants to the tailors to get it readjusted, a major alteration was required. The 20 kg weight loss since the treatment started now showed its unexpected results.
          Hari Raya Haji is tomorrow, and today could not have been any better. I am blessed by the Almighty in many ways. To the many friend, relatives,  loved ones, strangers and anonymous, I thank all of you for the unwavering support, I MADE IT TO THE TOP.

PET Scan and Selamat Hari Raya 2012

          Hi every one , its been a while. Time has endlessly passed by; day turning into night and back to day again. And I am still here every day !! Some great thing have happened which I need to share with all of you.
First and formost is the PET - CT scan which I did last week. The "GOLD" standard of cancer detection in the body ( there are some exceptions tho). The scan is clear with no signs of cancer in any part of the body. Which means I have a clean bill of health. I just need to repeat this for the next 5 years and then I will be clinically declared cancer free. At the moment I am in what is called remission. The taste buds are still AWOL but I am eating well. The weight has stablilised at 168 lb or 71kg's, not too bad I think.
         Today is the first day of Raya and I have been overwhelmed with SMS wishing me a great year a head. I thank every one for their kind thoughts. Most touching was from Kumar from Madras. My old school pal. We spent many periods at his Lorong Travers house in Penang.
         Uploaded a raya pic for everyone. Marisha spent her Raya in South America (Peru). So I took the opportunity to Photoshop the images together and make it into a family photo.
          There are many anonymous who have followed my journey and there are some who need encouragement along the way. My blog is open and my e-mail is available. Please share with me any concerns that you might have.

" The road is long, with many a winding turn 

That leads us to - who knows where, who knows where,

and so .....

It's a long, long road, from which there is no return 

While we're on the way to there, why not share"

Thanks guyz and SEALAMT HARI RAYA IDIL FITRI 2012.

6 months later......

Hi every one,
Its now 6 months since I started my tonsil cancer treatment. Its been a long arduous journey with many ups and downs. And now 6 months later I can only remember the good times. The last week has been an almost a great revelation that life is back to normal. I played in 2 golf competitions over 18 holes in the hot blazing sun and I am back to my normal facilitating CRM at work. The energy levels are back to where it should be.
My routine is 2 hours in the gym and swimming for 30-45 minutes in the mornings of my off days. THe afternoon is is relaxing and then followed by a round of golf at 1630 hrs for 9 holes.

The days that I work is an all day affair and so nothing gets done. This keeps me mentally occupied and physically consumed. I don't really mind it at all. Here is something that I did over the last week at the CRM instructors course. Check it out.
This is a 5 minute video on speaking skills that I demo during the class. Everyone has 5 minutes to do it. The 3 things that I look for is the story message , the visual message and the physical message.

Looking at this video and the previous video, I can see the difference in the facial appearance. This looks more like me 6 months ago albeit 15 kgs lighter !!. 

My medical review for  renewing my flying licence is getting nearer and nearer. I will have to show the medical review board that I am fully recovered from the effects of chemo and radiation. This needs to be supported by medical tests namely a PET scan, and ENT report and the usual ECG chest X-ray and audio-gram plus the full spectrum blood test. This I will have to do starting at the end of August or the beginning of September 2012. I hope all goes well. 

8 weeks later....

8 weeks later

              I have been getting many e-mails and calls asking if every thing is OK with my recovery and recuperation. I appreciate your concern for my well being and I am glad to pen today that I am in great shape physically and mentally. Just to justify that I have uploaded the latest pic of me. Check out my 5 min speech as well!!

             Its been 10weeks since I finish my radiation and chemo and how time flies. I am almost into daily routine now. Usually a workout in the gym, 30mins of cardio and 60mins of weights and strength building followed by 30 min of relaxed swimming. On alternate days I go cycling around the house for 30 mins. I have noticed the difference in my physic, more muscles and trimmer body. The weight has stabilised around 160 lbs or 74 kgs, almost an ideal BMI weight for my height. The evenings are reserved for golf (9 holes) that I play with Kat regularly. The rest of the night is exclusively for EURO2012 football till 2 am !!. Usually I watch the first match live and record the second game to view the next morning.

             I am back to work as well but not flying ...yet. I do about 10 days of classroom training for the pilots and the rest of the month is off. The flying can only be commenced when I do my pilots medical in September. Prior to that I will have to satisfy the medical board that I am fully fit and recovered from the the radiation and chemo. For that I need to show medical reports from my health providers and as well as a PET scan to show that the cancer is under control. This process is long winded and time consuming. Then I will need to reactivate my pilot license and further training in the simulators and actual cockpit flying. All in all it would take another 6 weeks or so. 

            So every one following me on this post, I am glad to say I am back to almost normal, save for my taste buds that are still missing and dry mouth that I will have to get used to for the rest of my life. Other than that life is almost back to normal.

I am going to upload some pic as I took just for the records. Have a great day every one.!

Lying on the MIRT Machine

The control room for IMRT radiation

Using lasers to align the body and the machine

Yes ! I am back to work...

          Finally the I crossed the finishing  line. There was no yellow jersey waiting of me to wear, no trophy to carry and no crowd to cheer. Its was an eerie silence. Chris and I had gone to see Dr Lum on the morning of the  2nd of MAY for the final check up. It was good news all over. The treatment had officially come to an end. The prognosis was good. The next appointment was 1 year away. The medical pesonal that I need to see on a regular basic from now are my dentist and ENT specialist. And that would be on a 6 and 4 monthly basis respectively. So that was it. By noon it was all over. Bye bye DSH ! and we drove home feeling rather elated and yet subdued. Elated because it was all over, especially for the care giver, Chris, and subdued because what the future holds. There is no guarantee in life I guess and I have learned this very very quickly and the hard way as well.. 
        My mind turned towards the CRM meeting scheduled for tomorrow. I was fit and eager to attend the meeting. Driving to the LCCT airport wasn't a problem as my vertigo has disappeared mysteriously as it appeared. So the wind direction changed and again I made a swift tack into wind. My goal was to continue where I had left off. 9 weeks of hiatus hasn't made my brains rusty. If fact it seemed to be recharged to engage the next challenge. My only worry is that I am not putting in enough exercise as I should. Well this will be my priority from this week onward. 

       I will take this opportunity to thank each and ever one of you for reading this blog, for your well wishes, concern, SMS, calls, prayers and support. I will wind down this blog and only update it as and when required. Anyone on the same journey that needs help and support please feel free to e-mail me and I will get in touch. Thank you all, with much love and affection...Shakil

             

CRM Team

A little reflection....

                             Let me reflect on my journey today. Where was I 8 weeks ago? Where am I today? How 8 weeks make the difference!.Time heals! When I first was diagnosed with tonsil cancer, Sally called me up from Penang  to have a supportive - motivational - inspirational chat. In that conversation something struck me deeply and reverberated in my head since. What was it she said? "Shakil soon every thing will be in the past, nothing is ever permanent, and time will heal."  Wow ! Time has passed and its ever so healing! . Today I feel I am no longer a cancer afflicted. I have crossed the threshold and now a new beginning, I am on the road of recovery. The hill climb and the rough ride is finally over. Its past. Now I can look forward to a new destination, The weight has been steady for the last 4 days at 77 kg, That's good news.
My appetite has improved and now have progressed to semi solids.Taste buds are dead, just waiting for the day when they spring back to life!.Perhaps its a good time to start taking the supplement that so many people brought over.I have Japanese Green Sea Weed to consume and a case of Brand Essence of Chicken and Sabah Snake Grass ( my brother Aziz brought this over to plant in my garden and consume the leaves,)
          The weekend saw many friends dropping by to say hello and catching up with old tales. Sunny and Sally dropped by on Sat whilst Gerad Gunter came by to say hello to Chris and I.. Sunday saw the PPC gang drop by for tea. Many thanks to all for dropping by the house.

We have come a long way

My first golf game....yippeeeeeee!!

     Wow! I have recovered from the worst, from now on it will only get better and better. My throat is almost 90% OK, able to swallow...no problem at all with minimal pain or discomfort.and day by day I am getting bolder in trying different stuff around the kitchen and pantry. The appetite is slowly improving. My diet is now semi -solids, so all that is good news. Had Sabri & Wati send over Kelantan food for Sat's lunch. Not that I could taste anything but I certainly ate my favorite nasi  kukused in banana leaves.dono what its called but it  was great.. My sense of smell is acute and so stuff like soy, sesame oil, curry all smells good. Sadly though my taste buds are non existent.So whether I get to eat sweets tau foo fah or delicious chicken soup noodled makes no differenence. I just wack it to survive. My weight has stablised, thank God, 77kg now.
      My voice is slowly coming back and so is the energy levels. Gone are the days where I would sit in front of the TV aimless surfing the sports channels to keep me occupied. Now I am back in front of the computer screen  doing what I do best and that is designing new materials for the lecture and presentations. I am updating the CRM manual and that is challenging and frustrating at times as I run out of ideas. Hope fully if my vertigo subsides and I am able to drive the car without endangering my self or others on the road, I will go back to work soon. Yeah....saw the ENT fella last Friday and got more medicine to stablise the  vertigo. Now it not so bad but still I can feel it that its still there.
       On the subject of driving, I drove to the golf course today around 5:30pm. in my old car WAR9394. Wow, no problem at all driving. Got to the golf course around 6.00pm and had just enough time to play 3 holes and work out a sweat. Not bad after 8 weeks of layoff. Yes after 3 hole I got pretty tired and my legs started to ache. Yeah I am pretty unfit. But the fact that I was able to drive my self and play golf just shows that the future is bright and the nightmare is slowly fading into history.
       I am already planing my exercise regime for tomorrow. I was advised by KAT to take it slowly, perhaps walking being the best exercise followed by swimming. The gym has to wait for a while.
Well its 0130 hrs and I better get some sleep. So bye every one. Goodnight!!

Its a topsy turvy world for awhile

           Recovery is slow and steady. The neck area has completely healed even though it does get itchy at times. The aleo vera from the garden ( a present from Annette) came very handy. Chris extracted the gel and spread it evenly over the neck area during the evenings and bed time remedy was to massage the area with virgin coconut oil. All in all it worked well and All's well that ends well.
           I am able to eat better and now venturing into semi-solids, but still no taste. Wondering when that will return? The weight has stablised at 169 lb or 77 kgs just on my ideal BMI weight index of 24.7. Hope fully I will regain the taste buds sooner than later.
           Now that the chemo and rad is over I am in a better condition to see and welcome friends, relatives and colleagues. Last weekend my old school mate Tiong, Chai, Huat, Sunny and Sally all dropped by to say hello and bring great spirits of laughter and fun. Not forgetting Madi and Kat for their constant "eye keeping" on my condition. Thank you guyz.
            The road to recovery is still rocky and bumpy topsy turvy. One of the side effects of the chemo drug "Cisplatin" is amongst a whole list is vertigo and dizziness. Somehow last 2 day I got afflicted to it and it can really make the world go round and round and round. It got so bad that I had to lie down almost the whole day. I have to be very careful walking. Bathing in the morning is done seated. Luckily the toilets in my house has grip bars installed and so that helps. I called Dr Lum and told him about my condition and he prescribed some pill. "Stugeron". This pill when taken makes you really drowsy. So now I am sleeping more and more during the day. The vertigo comes and goes and I notice it usually hits me if I move my head rapidly or change the position of my head from vertical to horizontal vice versa. So my movements are literally restricted until I overcome this. Well this is the Easter weekend and my wishes goes out to everyone celebrating Easter especially Karen & Linda plus family in Australia. Have a Great Easter Weekend and hope the Easter Bunny will bring greater fortunes and even more chocolate cookies over the year.

1 week later......

      Hi every one ! I am in great spirits and eager to move on with this journey to its conclusion. The last few days (post radiation) was bad but things have surprisingly and dramatically improved. Firstly the black burnt skin has peeled to reveal a fresh layer. The healing process is very very itchy and so I have to apply the hydro-cortisone cream sparingly on the effected area. This can become a problem in the middle of the night when I am just too lazy to get out of bed to apply the cream and the easy option of scratching it with pleasure and pain combined takes the better of me.
     The real battle that I won was my pain management when swallowing. I have stopped all medication that the doc gave me for pain. I totally rely on hypnotherapy to overcome the pain and I do it myself. It took me a while to perfect it with good scripts and good mental visualisation and good self talk. Most of the resources are available on the internet. Basically it involves in getting the body to go into a deep relaxation mode by using the The Relaxation Response by Harvard Medical School professor Herbert Benson and Progressive relaxation technique by Dr. Edmund Jacobson. Combined with what Dr K had earlier suggested, it worked like a charm. I replaced the pain anticipation stimulus with a pleasure stimulus. The brain can be reprogrammed!!

     The pain in the throat has subsided quiet dramatically and it will be soon when I can start to eat semi solids. This will also give me back the weight that I lost and my fitness level. As soon as I eat well, I am embarking on a gym based regime to get back my muscles, strength and fitness..That's all for now. Bye

The 3 F's for cancer survival. FAITH, FAMILY,FRIENDS. I am blessed to have all 3. 

Thank you every one!!

The false finish line.....

                I made a big mistake thinking that I have crossed the finish line. Remember I wrote that there was no joy, no euphoria, no excitement. Well how truthfully has this been reflected in the last couples of days. My condition in the last 2 days has taken a turn for the worst. Eating is totally a nightmare. The pain in the throat is excruciating. Drinking is also a problem.Medication is not working.The opiate pain relief is making me vomit ( overdose of opium eh ehe). Talking is a torture. Man ...I am really down but not OUT.
               Dr Kat dropped by the house yesterday and we discussed various strategies to tackle the problem. Most of the medication seems to be giving me more side effects problems than solving. And so we talked about hypnotherapy in pain management. I had been interested in this subject since the late sixties I had learned the art of self hypnosis many many years ago.So it was now a matter of getting the correct script to use this method to stablise the pain. He gave me some ideas,imagery and self talk script to try out. And so last night I embarked on this method of pain management. Even in my poor script and poor mental imagery I was able to transform and over come the pain and eating was a bit more successful. I am over buoyed with the result. Will keep you all posted with further results. Meanwhile thank you to everyone who called, emailed, SMS and what not. I appreciate all your thoughts and concerns. Now let me try hypnosis again and drink the next meal that is sitting on the meal table. Cheers to all.

20th March Last day for Radiation. End of treatment

Burnt Black

20th of March should have been a day of celebration, achievement and triumph. And yet after my last radio therapy visit it was none of the above. I could hardly talk. I could hardly swallow. I was in pain. My throat was raw. My visit to Dr Lum was for pain management. Got some powerful pain relief tablets called OxyContin, some opiate based substance.The thing with radiation is, the effects are not immediate but its a slow release of side effects. The symptoms can go on for days and up to 2 weeks. So I see no respite from misery, at least for a while. The skin around my neck is black, yes black and now its starting to peel. This is another source of irritation. The only solace I get is that I don't have to make the morning journey to the radiology center. Thank God its all over !

4 more rads to go

          Today is the 15th day of March.,Ides of March as its called.Went for my usual radiotherapy this morning and the place was unusually quiet. Most of the usual people doing radiotherapy had finished their treatment. Mine will be finished next Tuesday ie 20th March. How 6 weeks has gone bye in a blink of an eye. The next 1 week too will fly by and then the post recovery period shall start. I don't really know what to expect in this post recovery period. I was told today the effects of radiation lasts up to 2 weeks and full recovery perhaps 2-6 months. Wow that a long period of time to go through!
         I am in good spirits and keeping an active interest in EPL and Champions League and what ever is shown on the sports channel. A bit of exercise eg walking around the garden or chipping golf balls. Nothing extraneous as I am afraid I need rest more than anything else. My weight has stabilized at 80 kg, so that's ok. Eating is still liquid 100%. My throat is still very very sore and swallowing is very difficult. That is why it takes me up to 30 minutes just to finish a bowl of soup. Never mind lah slow but sure I will finish it.
          Over the weekend met up with several old school mates who drop by to say hello and I really appreciate that. Somehow its the friends you make in school that remember you very well.

Almost there...7 more rads to go

           Today is Sat the 10th of March. The last week went unusually fast. The chemo days are behind me. But something strange stared to develop. Usually during chemo days the give me "Emend" the strong anti vomit pills. Since the effectiveness of the of pill is wearing off, I am beginning to have spells of uncontrolled vomit spasm. Its a very strange sensation. Once the spasm starts its difficult to control as it becomes automatic reflex. I found that deep breathing and soothing of the the upper chest muscles helps to calm the spasm down. Warm compress over the stomach also helps. Tried drinking warm water, and that worked too. So the whole of next week I will be facing another challenge. I hope my strategy works to see me through.
          Weight is now down to 79.5 kg. Not a good sign. Diet is almost liquid by now. The neck area is now really burning and black from radiation (like a bad sunburn). Other than that I am in pretty good shape. Will keep all of you posted as I reach the finishing line.

6 Chemos and 25 radiations later

                Hi every one, It's been 1 whole week of procrastinating. Period. Many logged in to check my progress or any news but were disappointed. I apologise for that, esp Marisha. "If paps has not updated, then something is wrong" I am pretty OK, that's the least I can say. Its been a grueling 4 weeks and finally I have finished my last chemo yesterday. Hurray !! And I have another 10 more radiation sessions to go. Yes 10 more sessions. All of you can do a count down for me.The last day will be 20th March 2012. So do send me a congratulatory message on that day!!

Meal replacement diet

               So how has it been the last week? Tired and drained. Sleeping a lot with weird dreams. Taste is non existent and my throat is dry and sore. Eating solids is out of the question. My diet is liquid,- clear soup, kuey tiow soup and more soup. To supplement the diet and to prevent further weight loss, I take Ensure three times a day. The weight has stabilised at 82.5kg for 3 days. So that is a pretty good sign.

Skin turns black

Skin loose under chin

             

Taking stock of the situation

                 Last night as I lay in bed reflecting on my progress, I figured that I needed to stop for a second and take stock of my situation. What is it that I am doing well and where do I need more attention. What is helping me through and what is dragging me down. I needed to answer this question " What is the problem now!" If I could define the problem accurately than half my solution is answered.
                The problem is appetite and eating. The problem is sore throat and difficult in swallowing. The problem is loosing weight excessively, if the fat is being reduced I don't mind but my muscle is getting eaten up, and that is not a good sign.( Muscle atrophy). The problem is dry mouth and poor saliva lubrication. The problem is tiredness and lack of energy.
                So having clarified the problem I started to look for ideas and possible solutions. It soon became apparent that this was basically a 2 fold problem. It is a physical and mental issue.The physical issue is directly related to me being under nourished and therefore the outcome is tiredness and lack of energy. The dry mouth and sore throat is manageable. Its the mental issue of eating and appetite.I needed a paradigm shift. I no longer can build an appetite using the old way of looking at food and relying on taste.I figured out that eating from now on will be solely for sustenance and prevent further deterioration of body mass. Eating was the secret to getting me through the next phase of treatment. I needed to come out of this in a better physical condition than I started.No point curing the cancer and inheriting a poor muscular skeleton frame. Eating had to take a significant and important role. So I decide that from now on eating is going to be my priority..           

Half way there and then all hell breaks loose

          I am writing this from the DSH undergoing my 4th chemo and soon my 14th radiation. I came in early to the hospital at 9.00am but there were many patients waiting to be admitted. So the admission process was slow and I nearly fell asleep waiting for my turn.By the time I went into the clinic it was 10.00am. Today the oncology clinic is full. Yes literally full. Many new faces and a couple of familiar face. Dr Lum dropped by to see me and reassured that the treatment was going according to plan. The blood result was back and my full blood count was normal and so was the renal profile test. Which means that I am coping with the chemo pretty well. He looked down my throat and commented that it was red due to radiation and that from now my throat will progressively get redder and more painful as the radiation burns the tissue in the throat area.. The real test is about to begin.

Time out for a pic

            Around 11:30am my wife and daughter,Eli, dropped by to bring some cheer. It was almost lunch time and so they took my orders of mash potatoes and clod slaw. (KFC). They soon disappeared to buy my lunch while I carried on with the monotony of chemo drip. Ugh!.  By the time they returned, something had gone wrong with the drip. The cannula had become adrift and the drip was no longer going into my veins but discharging into the muscles and underneath the skin. This caused a huge swelling in my right wrist. Lucky the nurse on duty noticed it and stopped the drip. I was left with a stark choice of now having my left wrist pierced  to continue the drip process or somehow convince the medical people that the last 2 bottles were only saline water and that I could drink that water as a replacement. After giving assurance that I will consume 2 cans of 100 plus and eat bananas as a replacement for the remaining drip, I was given the green light to do the radiation and go home. It was a long day. Got home at 1530hrs.
                   Towards the evening my regular golf buddies from KGNS dropped by to see how I was faring. By the time they left it was 1930 and I was kind of not feeling well. Tiredness had set in. I told Chris I wanted to eat dinner earlier and then go to sleep and rest. A cold chill started to creep into my body. I switched all fan and aircon but the feeling kept on creeping in. I crawled into bed at eight and put on a heavy blanket to try and keep warm. The chill and cold descended into my body and there was nothing I could do but try to weather the storm out. I dozed off but suddenly alarm bells started ringing in my head. My head was dizzy and hot and all hell was breaking loose. I thought I did not have enough 100 plus and I was dehydrated. So I SMS my wife downstairs to urgently buy warm 100 plus immediately. Everyone rushed upstairs and to see me. A thermometer strip put on my forehead read 40C...wow.. that's very high. I told Eli to bring be some Panadol and I downed 2 in row. I got the blood pressure machine to see my pressure and it registered 77/118. Not bad. That night was a real torture. There were so many negative thought spinning around with negative outcomes. Creating any thing positive thoughts was impossible. I was loosing  the mental battle. I left it at that. I began to think of a contingency plan just in case the fever or any thing else put my life at a further risk. I just disappeared into my contingency plan and fell asleep.

The hill climb begins

              Today is the 16th FEB and I am 1/3 way into my tonsil cancer treatment. Just like the Tour De France, that race is won in the Pyrenees, and for me, this is my Pyrenees, the hill climb begins now. The battle to win or loose begins now. If I ever had to be strongest mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally then this is the time to show it and endure the obstacles of this part the journey. The only difference between the TOUR and me, is my journey is alone with many by standers cheering me on.

I don't have a Peloton to give me inspiration and energy but I will never wish that for any one to accompany me on this journey. Cancer is a dreaded disease.
            As I had been told earlier by my oncologist, 3rd week onward is crucial to my well being. And today I am beginning to feel the strain of repeated radiation and 3 rounds of Chemo. So what actually is happening to me ? Well two folds. First its physical. My throat is sore and swelled from radiation and swallowing is difficult.Saliva is thick and irritating. Taste is gone ! I am entirely on a broth semi liquid diet.  Somehow shredded salad with cucumber and carrots go down very well. I guess the water in the salad makes my mouth lubricated and therefore chewing and swallowing manageable. Appetite is non existence.I have to eat to live! Secondly, its the tiredness that sets in 2 day after the chemo. The head is suffering from a hangover and there is nothing I can do about it. I do not take any supplements as I am afraid it will interfere with the chemo. I just have to let time pass by. Time heals every thing.

Sliced Salad

My Broth..... just a bowl

8th Radiation and 2 chemo latter

          Just got back from my 8th radiation this morning and I am beginning to feel the irritation in my throat. It feels like the onset of a sore throat, Eating, drinking and swallowing is not a problem yet but I can anticipate it to  change slowly. I do eat well but the diet has dramatically changed from spicy curries to soup and steam veges and fish. This transition was expected. But I kinda miss the vindaloo chicken from the SS3 corner shop.

       Yesterday was a great day as I managed to conduct a CRM class just after my radiation in the morning. My voice was still in tact and the enthusiasm still  evident. A real good sign that I am well in control of my ailment. The saliva does get thick whilst talking, so sipping water throughout the day was necessary. To manage my dry mouth and thickening saliva the doctor had given me some samples to try out. The result of dry mouth is the infestation of mouth sores and fungus and loss of teeth. So mouth hygiene is of utmost importance now. I will have to brush my teeth with a very soft bristle brush and special toothpaste very often. A mouth gargle is also required to moisturise the mouth lining regularly. During the night I apply a gel to the tongue and the upper lining of the mouth to keep it moist, otherwise my sleep get interpreted by me wanting to drink water to ease the dryness of the mouth. I only hope that this is a temporary condition whilst I am under radiation, but my doctor friend tells me that one of my saliva gland will be permanently damaged  and the other remaining saliva glands can and will make up for the shortfall.
This is one of the side effects of radiation. I will also loose a patch of hair on the back of my head / neck area but so far I don't see any signs of that ...yet!! Food doesn't taste as good as before and my appetite is slowly decreasing. I just weighed my self and I am 88kg. Before I started all this I was 91kg. So I have lost 3 kgs in 11 days. Is that good  or bad? I don't know? I looked into the mirror and can see the redness around my neck area. Soon I will not be able to shave with a razor in that area as the skin will be very tender. The radiologist told me to use an electric shaver.
        So far I am feeling OK and in great spirits. Support from family and friends is crucial so keep the calls and comments coming. I am being over pampered by Chris with food and special ice cream and what not.
Will update in a few days again. Thanks for reading folks. Got any questions or comments please feel free to write.

The going gets tough...the 2nd chemo

        Today is my 2nd Chemo followed by radiation. It starts off by the nurse putting the branula in place followed by a constant drip of 500ml NaCl  0.9 % Sodium Chloride Intravenous Infusion for almost 1 hour plus. I can see 3 bottles of this stuff on my table. So work it out ...how long it will take ? When the first bottle on NaCl is finished the main chemo called Cisplatin is then dripped. This is where the discomfort starts. The chemo today is a bit more tiring than my last. The process is taking slower to complete than the previous session.There seems to be discomfort in my left wrist and my left hand is pretty cold and numb.My left pinky finger is also painful, do not from what?... Massaging the hand and fingers helped a bit but the best thing to do was to take out my laptop and start writing this  blog.

Left Hand Inop

My Left hand

Most of the pain originates from boredom as there is nothing to do while chemo takes place!! I cant use my left hand so this is written with one finger right handed.

       Dr Lum was here a short while ago we had a lively conversation about my therapy and the progress I was making. I was told in no uncertain terms that the journey is going to get tough and that I need to be mentally and physically ready for it.Well I am ready for it but how well I cope remains to be seen. 3rd week onward is critical. I am in my 2nd week !! Saw the guy next to me in his 3rd week and he looked wretched.Wow! What about me in 3 weeks ?? Will keep all of you updated.
       I am due for 6 chemo and 35 radiation over 7 weeks. I have so far done 2 chemo and 4 radiation session. The chemo is slotted for every Monday and the radiation every day Mon-Fri for 7 weeks. Any session missed during the weekday is replaced on the same Sat, like what is going to happen this week due yesterday,Mon, being a public holiday. Its almost 13:00 and I am almost done with the chemo session. There is still 1 more bottle of the saline solution to go. Something strange also happening. I am going to the washroom to ease my self more than usual.This is because of the chemo and the saline solution that has been dripped for the last 4 hours needs to be expel from the body. Boy oh boy!! The kidney need to work over time !!

Strong Anti Vomit Pills

      Yeah I forgot to mention. Just before you start the chemo, they will give you Emend tablets to take. This manages one of the side effects of the chemo which is nausea. I heard its a costly pills.....Well nothing is cheap for good medication.
I got into a discussion with Dr Lum whether a heart by pass procedure is cheaper or cancer treatment. Well we never reached a consensus in the end. I think some doctors out there can shed some light on this topic.

      Today was a long long day. By the time I finished and looked at the time is was well past 1530hrs. Chris was waiting for me at the car park. She had gone shopping for plants at Sungai Buloh. We wanted to plant a willow tree out side the house, We had bought the pots last month and now it needed a plant.
      So how did I feel at the end of it all ?? Pretty Good. Not much side effects of the chemo today and I am still full of energy.

Friends make the difference

    Chinese New Year just passed by without me noticing it in the usual way. I was preoccupied with finishing my working roster. A dear friend of mine, Tiong, called me up and reminded me " Better enjoy your food while you can" and I couldn't agree with him more. The usual CNY dinner with our our school friends was on the agenda and this time it was more than a dinner. It was a show of support, a real concern for my ailment and of course to keep the spirits up. It was Sat 4th Feb and we met up at the Greenlicious Organic Restaurant in Damansara.

     2 days prior to this my body started to feel the effects of radiation. Firstly I felt a little bit "heavy" in the head and really lacking in energy. Sleep would be the easiest thing to do. I could watch the Astro and in between the commercial fall asleep for 4-7 minutes and wake up again. The saliva started to get saturated and thick. Drinking water was the best thing to do. Nibbling on Mandarin orange and grapes helped a lot. Slowly the taste buds started acting strangely. Yep! the effects of radiation was slowly but surely creeping in. Check out the Effects of Radiation here. Well I did expect this and now I am living thro it.! Just got to manage it. Period.!

The soup was great

       The dinner went well. The biggest joke was my bitter taste to everything. The chicken rice tasted bitter. The mushroom satay tasted bitter. Even the tiramisu had a bitter after taste.The only thing I enjoyed was the mushroom soup. That was great !

        So someone suggested to Chris, why not cook me bitterr gourde from now on and I would not know the difference.

Mushroom Satay

The night went well past the normal working hours for the waiters and the owner. I guess giving Ang Pow to the workers did the trick and we stayed on till 11:00pm.

The night ended well with great encouraging parting words and levels of support.
So thank you guyz once again for making the  CYN dinner a great evening.

The euphoria died down on the way home with our 2 daughters in the back seat of the car, talking about Marisha's flight back to London the nest day. It had been a whirlwind visit by Marisha to see me, attend her friends wedding, re-apply her IC which she lost, her driving licence and banking stuff. Wow what a night! It was past midnight when I fell asleep dreaming............!!

40 years of friendship...The Old Frees Chai, Lawrence,Me, Huat, Tiong, Patrick, Beng, Sunny

The Gang : Photo taken by Marisha

D-Day - The Battle Begins

Branula in my wrist

      1st Feb was the appointed day........9:00am sharp at the DSH. It kind of reminded me of my first day at school or college. Accompanied by my daughter, who had just returned from London for a short visit, I reported at the Oncology Suite. I was introduced to the staff there who asked me to make my self comfortable either on the sofa chair or the bed if I preferred......Being a macho man, I would rather take the chemo sitting rather than lying. Well I did not know.the difference anyway.

So the process started, the nurse spraying some very cold stuff on my wrist to numb the area and then placing the branula in place.Was it painful..mmmm...not really. This will be a process which I will have to go thro each chemo session, and that is 7 sessions planed over 7 weeks. Its a slow process and killing time is the key to managing this process. I must have read the Start newspaper from front to back and front several times. Wi-fi is freely available so I logged on to the internet and checked my e-mail, company mail and Google news, Malaysiakini and where ever my interest took me to. The main medication administered was Cisplatin, and this is pretty much the Industry Standard (I had checked this out on the Internet the week before.) .

Main Ingredient for the Chemo

The whole process took almost 4 hours.I was feeling pretty good with no visible side effects of the chemo. Maybe a small swelling at the wrist, but nothing serious. Phew! The first part was over and I made it. During the Chemo, I got introduced to a gentleman named Ewe Jin who sat by me for a while and related his experience with nasal cancer and his experience going thro it. Oh what a story ! Read it here Face to face with cancer. I downloaded the book and read it in sitting.







I was sent downstairs to the Radiation Room for my first dose of radiation. This was interesting as I had to wear a mask that was fitted over my face. I looked more like Spider man. The process involved is to position my head in a fixed location and then let the computer guided machine shoot its rays at its pre determined spot. Actually I did not feel a thing. I could hear the machine making some kind of noise and I could see the variable  aperture of the machine at work. This machine is called IMRT and check it out here.

With  the face mask attached

     By 2:30 pm it was all over and I felt fine, in great spirits and happy that I had started the treatment and I managed it very well,......well beyond my expectations.

Using laser to align

The process begins

Making up my mind was easy

          The appointment to see the Oncologist Dr Lum was on the 20th Jan at 10:45am. My wife and I walked into his suite (yes the place is called Oncology Suite) that morning and he was waiting for us. My brother, Dr Azeem, had called him earlier and told him the extent of my tonsil cancer. Listening to him gave me a sense of confidence that every thing will be alright.To find out the extent of the cancer I asked a CT scan to be done immediately. I needed to know the extent of the spread. Was it localised as the pathologist had suggested in his report or was it otherwise.So without hesitation, I went and did the scan. The results would be out the next day.

           The next day I called and I received the best news so far. There were no sign of spread. Phew ! What a relief. At least I was in for a stage 2 cancer of the tonsil and the track back to good health looked easier now.

          Dr Lum outlined a treatment plan that matched what I had researched on the internet the night before. Chemo and radiation for 7 weeks. I agreed immediately on the plan and choose the 27th to do the masking fitting and 1st Feb for the start of the long journey. Meanwhile I went back to flying and finished of my Jan roster. A flight to Hong Kong, Macau, Penang, Langkawi, Johor Bharu and Phuket, a CRM class and a simulator LOFT session. I really enjoyed the last week of flying knowing that as soon as I start the chemo, I would be medically grounded.

19th Jan 2012, When the wind direction changed

         4 days since my tonsil operation passed by without me thinking of the results of the biopsy. My appointment was 9:45am and I waited for the Dr to come. I whiled away reading the newspaper. Not long after I noticed him walking along the corridor and walking towards me and he whispered into my ear. I just looked at him and said "OK". What was OK? The results was OK? Or the news was OK?. My immediate response was an SMS to my wife and a forwarded same message to my personal doctor Dr Kat
                                                         "It's Cancer ayaaaaaaaaaaaa"
I sat back very calmly and gave it another thought. The tell tale signs were there. I had earlier researched this topic on the Internet and all pointers were pointing in that direction. I knew what I was in for. A long and winding road. A journey that many before me have undertake and successfully achieved the desired objective.
         The pathology report was out and I had "Moderately differentiated squamous cells carcinoma"
What made the report good to my ears was " The deep surgical margins appear free of tumour involvement"
What I understood was the rotten part of the mango had been gouged out and the remaining flesh of the mango is good to eat. I am disease free. What is next ?

       I immediately called my younger brother Dr Azeem for recommendations and directions for an Oncologist. He highly recommended the guy at Damansara Specialist Hospital and he even made the appointment for me to see him the next day. Now its time to tell my children the news, my brother and sisters, friends and colleagues.
I felt that telling everyone would make me at ease from the denial stage. The first to come to see me at home and support me at the crucial stage were my old school friends from Free School. That was comforting and reassuring that all will be OK. I just had to tell a story and someone needed to just listen. That's all that was required. I learnt this from the CISM class that I conduct at work for pilots and cabin crew.

How the journey started

       1st Feb is a Federal Territory holiday, but for me, it was an early morning journey to DSH for my first treatment for Tonsil Cancer which will take me on a journey of 7 weeks.The seeds of this journey was set a few weeks earlier. Let me tell you the story...........

       Whilst clearing the throat during the morning wash, fresh blood stained the bathroom sink. Inquisitively, I kinda looked into the deep end of my throat to see the reason why. The left tonsils seemed enlarged compared to the right. So later that morning I went over to our family doctor, Dr Kat, and consulted him. Within minutes he wrote out a referral letter to Assunta Hospital to consult an ENT specialist. He even phoned and made the appointment the same day at 1400hrs. I think he knew more.

       I got to see the ENT fella around 1530hrs that same day, Dr Lim Wye Keat. I told him my problem and one look at the tonsil I could see the alarm on his face (I do read body language pretty well as I teach this subject during my CRM classes for the pilots). Deep down I knew it was something unusual. "Did I have any pain", he asked several time, and I answered,"No I don't". He ran his fingers around my neck to feel for enlarged nodes but could not locate any. He swings my chair around to face a monitor and there he prepares a scope to push down my nostrils and into the back of my throat to examine and as well as show me the enlarged tonsil. I was thrilled to bits. It was really cool to see such high tech equipment being used. It gave me a sense of confidence that the right person was dealing with the problem.

       Immediately after the examination, he states his intention,,,,,TAKE THE TONSILS OUT, the left one.
Normally both are taken out simultaneous if tonsils are the problem but in this case OUT with the LEFT. He got on the phone and booked the OT for weekend for the operation. Wow...man this guy moves fast !!! As usual he asked me not to worry as all will be OK. I concurred with his decision and as well as with the speed and urgency of the situation.
     

You can see the left tonsil sticking out

        I got home around 1645hrs and the events of the day made me think....yeah... I should tell all my friends and relatives about it. So with the the help of my daughter, Eli, I took the digital camera and a torch light,I got her to photograph the deep end of my throat and send this pic as far wide as USA, Briton, Australia, India and everywhere else.
That long thingy that's crooked is normal. I was born with it !! How apt, the thingy is pointing to the tonsils. ( what is that called BTW?)

        The following Saturday 13th Jan 2012 I checked in to Assunta Hospital and got ready for the operation the next day. Sometime during the night, the Pastoral Care Service paid me a visit and offered me soothing advice and if I needed someone to talk to I could call them for help. Wow...what a great gesture, I really appreciated it. Mentally I was very calm and physically I was very relaxed.

        The next day it was fast and furious. Nurses were taking the BP and it was 78/130 with a heart beat of 57, every other 15 minutes or so. Questions on allergy and verification of name and the procedure I was going in for ( this is CRM hospital style, VERBALISE VERIFY MONITOR).

        By 10:30 it was all over and the nurse woke me up. I felt really good, not much pain and so I asked her to let me see the tonsils that they plucked out. She bent down and picked this container that had a piece of flesh that I readily recognized !! It was my tonsils and it was huge. I looked at it with amusement and with an insensitive mind. The rest of the day was post operation recovery. My wife, Chris as we know her or Sarah which others know her came visiting. I was up and about at 1500 hrs. Azlan and Annable came to say hi as well and brought welcome cheer. Swallowing was a bit difficult, so I spat out anything and every thing that accumulated in my mouth. Each time I did that I closely watched for any traces of blood. Modern miracles of surgery leaves very little bleeding, do not know how they do it?

      The next day I was ready for discharge. The bleeding had stopped completely, I was feeling good and I packed all my gear and waited for Dr to give the final nod of OK. Around 12:30 he came and gave the all clear signal. The biopsy results will take 4 days. I was full of confidence and went back to work after 10 days. Wow...it felt so great to be flying again.